What is the Over/Under on Mr. Matthews' Cholesterol?

On Sunday, Mr. Matthews' column included the incredibly morbid list of things he doesn't expect to live long enough to see. Since he doesn't plan on checking out for at least a few decades we here at FBM hope he works out a lot, or at least looks better in person than in his newspaper mugshot.

On the list:

The Buffalo Bills win a Super Bowl

I'll bet they have a pretty good chance once they move to LA, or NC, or wherever. With the current “leadership” of Ralph Wilson, his shuffleboard buddy Marv Levy, and proven loser Dick “But I went to Yale, I must be able to coach football,” Jauron, they have as much hope as Mr. Matthews writing a column without bullet points or lists.

My buddy Bud Selig make the Hall of Fame

I wasn't aware Messrs. Matthews and Selig had ever met, but all steroid scandals aside, Selig has been great for baseball. The wildcard and interleague play have both been tremendous, there has been franchise stability, and new ballparks are being built all over the country. According to their own press release major and minor league baseball have set attendance records each of the last two seasons. I think Mr. Selig gets to use the phrase “My Bitch, Bob Matthews.”

A major sports league reduce the number of games in the regular season...

In 1995, the Premiership (otherwise known as the fourth best attended sports league in the world) reduced the number of teams by two, which meant four less games for the remaining teams. I would make a bad joke about Mr. Matthews being born yesterday, but that would just be terrible.

The Buffalo Sabres win a Stanley cup...

They have gone deep into the playoffs twice in the past seven years, so this seems like a pretty bold statement. Someone just needs to pry Tommy G's wallet open a little wider.

The United States men's soccer team win a World Cup

Now, sometimes it may seem as if Mr. Matthews ignores facts, but even he must have noticed every single kid in Rochester playing soccer as they grow up. As the Tom Batzolds of the world retire or die off, soccer will receive more media attention, and these kids will be encouraged to continue on with soccer as they get older. I would say that the odds are decent that the USMNT will win the World Cup withing the next 30 years.