Mixed Metaphors with Leo Roth

In today's sports section, there are three articles about last night's Sabres game, which, I assume, can be attributed to the “I'm going to watch the game anyway, so I might as well bang out a mediocre article and get paid for it,” factor.

My “favorite” was by Leo Roth, a man who apparently has never met a situation that doesn't require a bizarre metaphor that probably should have been taken out by the editor. Here are a few of my favorite lines he uses to discuss how awesome the Sabres were. Those of you paying attention may notice that many of them are not technically “complete sentences,” and may speculate that Mr. Batzold and Mr. Roth went to the same journalism school, but try to stay on target.

”Speed and whirling-dervish hustle that draws penalties from an opponent forced to reach out and touch someone.”

Dirty old man!

”Shots fired so hard and accurate the puck could fly through a car wash, not get wet, and knock a beer can off a tree stump.”

A car wash with a beer can stump conveniently located right behind the exit? Is it in West Virginia? Do they even have hockey in West Virginia?

”Thunderous hits normally seen in Orchard Park...

Delivered by the Patriots, Jets, and even occasionally the Dolphins .

... creating turnovers and whipping the crowd into a frothy brew. “

I'm not a doctor, but that doesn't sound healthy. It does sound tasty, though.

”It was a reverse outcome of Game 2 in nearly every way, right down to the hits, the score, and the frantic ending only the Sabres liked this side of the story better.”

In the online version, there is an additional period in that mess. For a fun game to play at home, try putting one in various spots.

”The hurricane then came ashore when... [Kotalik scored]”

If the hurricane came ashore, wouldn't that mean that the Hurricanes were doing some damage and not down 4-1? Were you even trying to make sense?

Now, I ask, is it fair that this man was paid to watch a hockey game that the rest of us would have had to pay (many) hundreds of dollars off Craigslist for?